All the World's a Stage

 

 stuff happened.

i did some thinking.

we did some talking.

then he did some thinking.

then we talked some more.

and then i broke it off.

 I don't even know where to begin I'm so frustrated.

i guess stansell doesn't tell me things. like suddenly his dearest ambition is to work full time at Generac for the rest of his life and buy a house in waukesha. but till then he's perfectly content to be under the jurisdiction of his parents and their ridiculous curfew as long as he can have his precious computer.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

i mean i know it's not up to me to decide how he lives his life but even HE has to see how crazy that decision is?! he's NINETEEN!!!

am i being unreasonable? why couldn the have TALKED to me about this?

i mean i thought Generac was temporary. a one year thing and then he was going back to school full time.

i dont know what to do

im lost.

this could be enough to end us.

People say i think too much about the future. that i need to enjoy the here-and-now.

except there's nothing TO enjoy about the here-and-now. It's work. and WAAYY too much downtime.

I don't have any theatre things to look forward to. I mean, I'm ushering You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown here at UWW but that's it. I didn't get into the first fall show of the year. (shantelle got the part I was called back for - again - and she wasn't even called back for it to begin with). There's auditions sometime in September for the children's tour (Stuart Little) and the second mainstage show (The Rose Tattoo), neither of which I'm all that jazzed about, to be honest. I mean tour would be a lot of fun... and I do love Tennessee Williams but I just can't make myself sit down and read that play...

So the only real future i've been contemplating is whether or not I can make it in this business. And I have a feeling I won't know that until I have some larger parts... I mean there's not much you can do with The Ostrich or Gatorman.
That's the other thing - when will I get roles that don't require me to wear an animal head and dance around??
Well at least Gatorman had more substance than the Ostrich. Ostrich was there for pure entertainment and scene changes. Gatorman had this thread of connection between the three worlds within the play. That was his purpose, to draw them all together.

Well I had fun backstage as Ostrich and onstage as Gatorman so I guess that's what matters.
I just want roles with more.. substance...

Dave and Shantelle said that because I go into auditions with an "I'll take anything" attitude, that that's what I get... But the few times I went in with a specific goal - Ella in "Stuck". Van's Sister in "Dog Sees God".- I get nothing straight off, or some glimmer of false hope and then nothing.

Am i being completely obnoxious and self-centered? I really don't mean to come off that way...
Sorry...

Memories.
All of a sudden a bunch of them are hitting me at once.
Every time I lay down to breathe and relax, Todd's voice goes through my head, taking the students of Young Company slowly and patiently through relaxation exercises and Fitzmorris every week... except his voice is getting harder and harder to remember. John's too... giving us life lessons from theatre and a crash course in voice and speech...

I wish I had though tto remember more of the meaningful stuff from YC... not that all four years were meaningless... I wish I had been in more shows. I wish I had known about First Stage long before high school...

I sometimes wonder if Whitewater is the right place for me... especially after what Angela told me... I mean, I don't WANT to have to conform to "female norms" just to get roles or fit in. I want to be accepted for who I am, not be made into something THEY want.... And I guess I was harboring the delusion that theatre communities were very accepting of people, no matter what. The point is that they are different, not the norm, not conformists therefore differences are accepted, not discouraged. I guess I was wrong.

Shantelle and Dave think Angela said those things because I'm not up to her standards of "feminine." ... that she's trying to make me into a leading lady...

I'm not sure I want that... I want bigger roles, sure, but THE lead female??

Why is all this spilling out now on closing night? .. maybe BECAUSE it's closing night...

I hate dwelling on stuff like this. I want to be so busy that at the end of the day, I fall into bed, exhausted and don't have the energy to think...

But after tonight, all I have is work. for Chartwells. (yay foodservice... not) and they're barely giving me hours as it is. Between ten and twelve a week if I'm lucky.
No one else will hire me though. Subway turned me down after an interview, The Sweet Spot isn't hiring until fall, Greenhouse Cafe didn't call me. Young Auditorium supposedly wasn't hiring when I asked in April or May, then got someone new, according to Julia. Rocky Rococo's said they would "reconsider my application" then took down their Now Hiring sign without calling me...

So I'm fucked financially.
Better get used to it though, especially going into acting. 
But seriously, when I need to borrow twenty bucks off my boyfriend to buy enough food to get by until my paycheck goes through in a week, something's wrong.

*****
Sorry about this less-than-happy entry after so long of an absence.
not that anyone reads this.
but if there's anyone out there, thanks for caring.

Carole

Theory #1
Every time carole decides she wants to sing, audition setting or otherwise, it's always a disaster. therefore, a) carole should never be allowed to sing ever again. for any reason. whatsoever.

Theory #2
Carole is not a "triple threat" and should therefore a) stop auditioning for musicals. or b) work her ass off on singing and dancing and MAKE herself a triple threat. 1b) carole HAS worked her ass off singing and its gotten her NOWHERE.

Theory #3
Whenever carole gets her hopes up about a role, she gets the short end of the stick. therefore a) carole should just never audition for shows she knows and loves, b) carole should just try to go into every audition expecting to walk away with nothing. 1b) carole USED to be able to do that. why not now?! c) carole should never listen to other people when they say she'd be "perfect" for a role 1c) carole should never let such comments get her hopes up or go to her head again.

Theory #4
Theories 1 - 3 are partially or totally void because carole is simply on a bad audition streak at the moment.

Theory #5
When Carole actually preps for an audition, using a monologue she's used for a while, she gets nothing, but when carole finds a monologue and works it a WEEK before the audition, she gets a part; therefore a) carole should just never prep and settle for shit b) when carole feels like she's done well at an auditon, she's actually done badly 1b) when carole feels as if she's done badly she' susually done badly 2b) therefore, carole ALWAYS does badly at auditions


to be brief:
Carole went into the Peter Pan auditions really REALLY hoping for and wanting Peter. or a Lost Boy.

BUT

she's an ostrich (yeah. there is an ostrich. a kangaroo and a lion in neverland. to cover scene changes)

she swears she'll be over this by tomorrow.

Let's reverse that... I'll discuss Desk Set rehearsals first. I called in sick to ONE rehearsal (I gave an hours notice to Caitlyn, the SM and Becky, the other ASM) and suddenly i'm "never at rehearsal," according to Angela and "always there" according to the cast. I apologized profusely to her last night.  She told me she wasn't mad, but that I've been sick for a while now - i was sick at auditions, and now i'm missing rehearsals. (note the plural "rehearsalS" which isn't true) she wants me to "get it in hand." because she knows i'm not performing up to par and that I can do better. but she's not mad.

Now. What confuses me about this last statement about doing better is that there hasn't BEEN anything to DO until the actors started running things a few DAYS ago. As far as "performing up to par", there's only SO MUCH you can do when you're just taking blocking notes and taping out the stage -- unless i had other duties during the early stages of rehearsal which i was not made aware of. My blocking notes are perfect, the stage was taped accurately - what more could I possibly have done to not be "up to par."??!?!! this may come off as frustration but i'm not really frustrated anymore, just... confused and worried because i thought i'd been doing well.

I WILL admit that i have been sick an awful lot this semester, but it hasn't appeared to be holding me back at ALL until I just didn't feel well enough to come in that Thursday night. I don't know what to do about that - besides doping up on cold medicine, dressing warmly and drinking orange juice. I believe the only time i was truly sick was at auditions. the rest seem to be brought on by the rapid changes in weather. (damned inconstant wisconsin weather!!)

I auditioned for Milwaukee Shakespeare on monday. it seemed like a train wreck to me. i forgot the name of the play my Isabella monologue was from. the auditor had to supply it for me. Puck was rushed, I didn't take enough time to get grounded with Isabella so she felt rushed and loose. I did it so much better the day before for the other UWW auditioners and Skip just that morning.

Astronomy. oh fuck. i feel like i'm failing, but he won't give us any type of grade report like some of my other teachers have until after the first "summary exam." which happens next week. I don't know what else I can do in that class besides just apply myself to the work and force it to become engrained in my memory. except there's just not enough time in the day... maybe if i set aside 30 minutes a day to just go over notes and stuff, things'll get easier or better or something.

and FINALLY:
i may be getting out of the dorms a year early =D !!! and living in a HOUSE with a bunch of my friends next fall!!!
so that makes me happy. i get to go look at the house today and hopefully sign a lease within the next couple days.

Well i gotta get to class. that's it for updates. comments?? thoughts?!?

 Alright.
I'm not sure how much stock I put into this kind of thing...
but I just read my tarot cards. my initial question was regarding my ASM duties and whether or not I'd be able to step up.
and the reading veered toward relationship issues instead... well not issues exactly... but I can't think of a better word right now.

there's this guy, josh, who has recently said he likes me. and i sort of rejected him. because i'm just not interested in a relationship at the moment.. or ever.. so i believe what skewed the reading was that this was hovering somewhere in the back of my mind and i guess it came out in the cards... which basically told me to give a relationship with someone a chance...

like i said, im not sure how much stock i put in stuff like this...

 No part for Carole. 

BUT I could ASM Desk Set.

That might be cool... 

and I'd get practicum for it too, which i guess I need for my degree eventually.

so.  ASM with practicum credit? or Haunted House spook with pay?

I'm more inclined to ASM at the moment.. I'm in no dire need of cash as it stands right now. I just need to watch the spending. My only issue is that the closest I've come to an ASM is props person for my high school's play and sound person for Summer and Smoke (if that counts..)

in short, I'm green. but so is the Stage Manager, apparently. We'll see how the cards fall.

friends having boyfriends / boytoys sucks.

need i say more? 

when i'm in a mood of not being judgmental, i'll elaborate. maybe.

or just delete this.

why does everything seem to touch a nerve with me, lately??

 So that haunted house.. that i thought was in whitewater... it's 33 miles away. i may as well have done gracie's show, it's about the same distance. 

THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE!! WHY THE FUCK IS WHITEWATER SO DAMNED FAR AWAY FROM ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY COOL?!?!

my first opportunity to recieve PAYMENT for ACTING and i cant do it.. its just too far away. a 50 minute drive... lets see: that's18 nights for average of 6 hrs a night (maybe less). for $7.00 an hour.. what's that total up to? a lot of money... i thought i'd end up spending most of it on gas, but maybe not... maybe this is worth it... 

gotta see how the school audition goes first though... Monday. yay. hopefully angela wont shoot my monologue down cuz i dont have anything else prepared (bad actor! bad bad actor!!)

 so.. i might have that haunted house gig... i might ACTUALLY  be paid to be a creepy zombie person!! fucking sweet.

 So. Here it is: The very first College Post. I'm at UW Whitewater. Theatre BFA Performance.

There isn't honestly much to tell.. my roomie's fine. our schedules are set so that we basically never see each other expect at night, which, strangely enough, is fine by me. That's almost what I'd prefer.

classes are okay. World of the Arts is gonna be a breeze. Intro to Acting is another easy class -- so far anyhow. "Find and prepare a monologue so the Intro Directing students can work with you on friday."  Astronomy is gonna kill me though. EXCEPT i only need one lab science in four years, so I figure I get that out of the way this semester and take something fun in its place.. like stage make up or Directing I or something. Intro Theatre: holy shit. 40 shop hours a semester... that'll be interesting. good thing i'm well versed in going without sleep for days at a time. my english class should be nice.. people will actually DISCUSS as opposed to sitting there like lumps on logs. and I guess that's it, as far as class goes.

I'm working in the costume shop. not quite sure what it entails yet, but I got paid for learning how to sew yesterday :-)

Guess that's it. I gotta go struggle thru astronomy homework so I can have some fun with organized chaos tomorrow!

so after timing the drive from whitewater to bucketworks, i'm feel pretty shitty. it looks like gracie's show is out of the question. i haven't gotten anything in reply from the haunted house

but i did get a job in the costume shop...so that's cool... i guess... at this rate, i won't have a show EVER...

but there are always possibilities closer to home..

i need to find a contemporary comedic monologue for the first uww show audition. it's amazing that i only have one of these... have john and todd taught me nothing? i hear angela's directing... scary much?? :-\

so yes. i feel like shit. I WANT TO FUCKING LIVE CLOSER TO THINGS!!!!! NOT HAVING A SHOW IS DRIVING ME INSANE... like i said earlier, tech is great but acting is better. freshmen are typically stuck backstage anyhow.. plus my degree requires me to work backstage on a certain number of shows.. but oh my god acting is my life.

so the solution is to let this anger and frustration movitave me to find a monologue, make it great, audition and hopefully get a part. this is the LAST you'll hear of this frustration and shit until the audition results, i swear. because it's probably getting real old real fast.

an hour commute really isnt so bad... its only 20 minutes longer than the one i've taken to rehearsals in milwaukee for years... so the anger and frustration i feel should motivate me to deal with driving for an hour to get to rehearsals and driving an hour back. my only issue i guess is that i dont want a repeat of romeo and juliet... not being used at ALL some nights, but asked to remain anyway IN CASE someone showed up or IN CASE there was time to work the scene i was in.

::sigh:: fuck.

after watching gene wilder's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory for the first time since i was really little, i feel so much better...

if i could meet any living person right now, it would have to be gene wilder. i appreciate him so much more as an actor after rewatching that flim. he's so specific and detailed. the way he walked or posed, even how he said things - which made the angry outburst at the end even more dramatic. and the one scene that might have given away anything about wonkas past was brilliant and somehow internalized through the whole film..

i wonder if its been done on stage.
if not, i want to be the one to do it. or at least be a part of it somehow. act, direct, produce. whatever.
god what sort of a budget would you need nowadays? that picture cost $3-ish million and that was back in 1970...

i think thats it for tonight. except manda left for college today. and i already miss her.

Since I'm quite sure that the only two people who might read this have stopped, this journal has become more a place for me not to lose my sanity than to keep people updated. I'm beginning not to like facebook, so i've come back here... this feels like its going to be a stream-of-consciousness type of an entry..

paul watry died. i didn't even know him, but my friends did so by extention his death affects me too. he was going to be a senior at port high. it was a car crash, from what i gather. and he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. i want to help my friends but i have no idea how... i've never actually known anyone who's died besides my grandpa who i didnt know very well.. the most i can be is an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. i guess that's the most i can do, except they don't seem to want it from me.

college draws ever nearer. manda leaves in two days... i dont want to believe it. she's my sanity, my best friend of four years... i'm not sure what i'll do without her. i leave in a couple weeks... scares the shit out of me. i'm not sure what to make of it. it sort of feels unreal. i'm taking 18 credits which ought to keep me busy enough... intro astronomy, intro theatre, intro acting, world of the arts, freshman english. i'm gonna be an actor.. or, try making a living that way, anyhow. can't see myself doing anyting else, or being as happy with anything else.

i think that's it...

I cut my own hair today.
And I have no idea how it helped me deal with how i was feeling, but it did.
Before I cut my hair and after Summer and Smoke ended, i felt... lost, outside myself, kind of. looking down on someone who resembled me but wasnt me. I wanted to disappear and not deal with college and how close and far away it seems and how i might possibly never see these wonderful, talented people again, about how i can't handle not knowing what's gonna happen after august 29th...

but now.. i'm dealing with it somehow. internally i know that whitewater isnt very far away and that i will do young company again this year.. maybe even that shakespeare scenes show  of gracies. unless it morphs into uwm students only. but i'll still go see it.

I'll make it work. and deal with things as they come up.

I'm so sleepy.
I've been insanely exhausted lately.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over a week. Or that instead of running around everywhere and having stuff to do, I sit around all day talking or reading or playing nurse to "sick" children.
I guess there's good exhaustion and there's bad exhaustion...

the good exhaustion is the I've just come home from 5 hours of rehearsal / a really good band or choir practice. in this case, i can rest well at night because a) i feel like i've accomplished something b) it's something i love

the bad is the whole sitting around deal when my body's used to doing stuff. 

THIS is what not having a show for four fucking months DOES to me!!! i actually analyze why the hell i'm not sleeping at night and the ensuing sleepiness...

this is a ridiculous entry. and i think it's done.

I'm not exactly sure what to write. A lot has been on my mind lately, I just can't seem to be able to put it into words...I have discovered one of the truths of life: being 18 is no fucking different than being 17!! (except they can put me on a 10 hour shift at work and not have to deal with labor laws and all that jazz). The only reason I say this - because it was common knowledge to me - is because everyone's been telling me how wonderful being 18 and an adult will be. right.
whatever.

I don't smoke - nor do i plan to start
I probably won't vote because a) i don't care and b) all candidates are dumb shits and no presidential candidate has EVER stood out over any other for me. If i HAD to vote, I guess it would be democratic. and probably for Hilary but that might be the part of me that wants to see a woman in power for once talking. (however, if i don't, i forfeit complaining rights - according to maclay)
I don't care for the whole sex thing.
I already gained my mom's trust a long time ago so being an "adult" doesn't change that.
I don't plan to move out on my own - unless you count college
I don't want to play the lottery
Or order stuff off the TV.
I already have my drivers license.

The only good thing I can see is that I can now go to those auditions where the minimum age they want to see is 18.

There's more on my mind right now but I can't find the words... I'm going on a vacation in Florida with.. my brother, dad, stepmom, stepbrother, aunt carol, uncle fred, cousins alison and matt and his wife Hiroko.... kill me now.

you could not find two more cynnical and disapproving people in the entire world than fred and carol. NOTHING pleases them. and, being both sensible people, are less than thrilled that I am going into theatre and will tease me because I would not let them give me the "college talk" last year. brother: most annoying. dad and step family... enough said I think.

I believe I can find safety around my cousins.. if they haven't changed too much in six or seven years - the last time i saw them. Alison's a daddy's girl but she's also got a brain of her own. and she's kind of a rebel - or that's how i remember her anyway. matt has been living in japan for at least 8 years, possibly longer and is married to his japanese wife Hiroko. they're pretty cool. i'm surprised someone as cultured as Matt came out of that family.. he is.. god, at least 10 years older than me. so he may find me too juvenile to associate himself with... but he and allison even though i never saw them much as a kid, were my role models whenever i visited fred and carol.

Lets see... I guess that's pretty much it. basically, rather than associate with them and be ridculed and harrassed (sometimes in good fun sometimes not), I will get a ton of reading done.
even though no one cares, i'm bored and have nothing to do. so here is my reading list as it stands:

Potter 3
Tamora Pierce's "Circle of Magic" quartet
The Tempest
(possibly) Macbeth - again
Bloody Jack
a shakespeare biography i picked up at random in the library, the title of which escapes me
Ray Bradbury's short stories (except that book is fucking huge, even for a paperback)
(maybe) Grimm's fairy tales (but, again, the book is fucking huge.)

Any other suggestions are greatly appreciated!

I'll probably end up bringing along the journal that Manda made for me.
And it will be depressing because the first thing I write in my fresh, blank book will be a complaint about the family.
how sad it is to soil a book in such a way...

The way I figure it, I can take a leaf out of grace's book and turn this into an acting exercise or something: remain silent unless spoken to. and even then, mime stuff just to piss them off!
This will, of course, make me appear the sullen, moody "i'm going to go cut myself" teenager. but even if i did associate with them and appear happy, the stereotypical teen-on-a-family-vacation is cemented into their brains. (especially my aunt and uncle's)

I'm going to be forced to wear a swimsuit... and go swimming.... in an ocean.... and at least act like i enjoy it...  which i totally did not mind at ALL when i was little, but now i prefer to stay on the nice, warm, dry sand in - at least - shorts and a tank top. i would prefer NOT to be scantily clad, and attract the attention of creepy guys thankyouverymuch. (plus i just dont look good in swimsuits.)

the upside to this hell: it's in Florida!

So. my really long entry ends at last. I'll be gone for a week starting on Friday. Although i will have no net access, my cel phone and charger are going with me so PLEASE call me! i know i'm roaming and all that but i have some money saved up to pay my mom back for just such an occasion..

Much Love,
Carole

so i'm graduated.
yayness
now what?

i hate not having anything to do. which is why i'll end up spending $50 a week this summer on gas so i can get to bucketworks to volunteer. ryan (my boss at the ymca) lied to me... said id have 3 or 4 shifts because he didnt want to hire another person for the summer. then he goes and hires somebody so now i have 1 shift a week which definately wont cover gas money... i'll pick up some extra shifts on weekends like when people need subs or something...

i'm listening to "mars" right now...
we played it freshman year in band.
the Planets tradition started with us... but it kinda turned into a Holst tradition instead because only mars, jupiter and uranus were ever arranged for concert bands... but he wrote some pretty sweet suites (no pun intended, i swear).

my room refuses to clean itself... so i oughtta do that at some point this weekend... despite how much i like chaos in my room, its getting to the point where its annoying even me...
i actually organized my books last week.. i now have an official Theatre Shelf!!

i guess i'll really wrap this up  now... have a good weekend yall...

i feel so disconnected from people..
mostly my friends from first stage and young company
and after i graduate, i'll feel disconnected from my high school friends too...

have i isolated myself somehow?
or is it just a senior thing?
or just a .. me thing..?

I guess i haven't written much here lately, as facebook kind of took over. (rob, you ought to get one of those! we can keep in touch better that way! www.facebook.com and you can finally see the pictures that i would never send you ;-p )

three weeks left of high school including exam week... i think im exempting german and accounting.. or german and band.. i'm really excited to be done with everything. no more school functions, no more popularity contests or whose wearing what, etc.
for the summer, at least....

speaking of, i still don't know what i want to do with it. i'm definately auditioning for the Tennesee Williams play over at bucketworks.. and working 10 - 15 hours a week but beyond that... if i dont make the show, i need to find something else that isn't a musical. i'd rather not do my towns community theatre simply because its been just plain bad the past couple years. (that and im out of town for the show dates) maybe i'll try for the cederburg players or something. they did 'charlie brown' a couple years ago, but it was a heck of a lot better than whatever Port did that year... oklahoma i think...

i'm chopping my hair off today!! ... or rather, i'm paying somebody else to do it because if i butchered it this close to the graduation that mom looks forward to so much, i think she'd kill me.. so if i pick up an extra shift next week, that should cover the money issue...

i'm sooo excited for Combat!!! its gonna be hell staying up all that time given that i havent gotten more than 5 hours of sleep a night since saturday but hey, its theatre!

i guess that's it. i gotta get to class. ta ta!

gephart says i have to dress like a girl for the concert in a couple weeks. (so much for my simple costume change idea)
so.
anyone know where i can come by some cheap early 70s girl outfits and a Les Mise-ish dress with a shawl?